I have a soft place in my heart.. Will

Will Kiburz

While growing up I observed the effect that depression and anxiety can have on a family, and my initial way of dealing with it. At the age of 12 my reaction was to run from it. I stayed away as much as I could. I was confused and as I got older and experimented with altering my consciousness, I quickly realized I had found another avenue of escape, and I continued to add various weapons to my arsenal that kept me from facing things that made me uncomfortable. Simply put, I couldn’t deal with the pain. Although I continued to function and filled my life with external things: People, clothes, cars, trips, endless social events, and kept my calendar full to keep myself occupied, and to fill what at that time felt like an endless void. I became dependent on substances and people. When those things were taken away, I descended into the worst kind of depression and anxiety - I had become what I ran from as a child. What followed were 30 more years of dependency on substances which only made my messages and path more chaotic and confusing.

Finally, at the suggestion of a friend, I wrote to Christy to see if I could start a yoga session with her. I had just gotten free from substance dependency, and I had never done any kind of yoga nor physical activity with the exception of walking between the office and my car. I figured that Christy could help me become more physically healthy. She immediately made me feel safe and welcome, unjudged. This was just the beginning of Covid, and I was freshly clean with nothing to do for several months, and this period was marked by constant discomfort and anxiety about my future. I signed up for a weekly private session with her and knew right away that I had found the right place- still at that time, I was just thinking about my physical condition. Christy helped me embrace the pain in my life and the real change occurred when we started working on my spiritual condition. Over time, she helped me find love FOR MYSELF which is something that I was missing until this point.

There were many weeks that I wanted to walk out with “the answer” and what became clear was that this journey and the things to come out of it had to be my own- they could not come from her or anyone else, they definitely couldn’t come from a pill. This was going to take time and dedication, and my Friday mornings with Christy became the highlight of my week.

We work on grounding and awareness, and with these new tools she helped me find, entire histories of chaos and sadness fell away. She never told me what to do so much as she took the time to get to know me and work with me, and soon I began to hear my true voice. One that I had not heard nor believed in for decades. I came to Christy to find some peace and do some stretching, but what I got was a completely new perspective on life and my role in it. I feel like I can do anything, and I am no longer confused nor scared of pain. There is no question or confusion anymore as to what I need to do. It’s the most peaceful and liberating feeling I’ve witnessed, and it’s inside of me!!

Finally, and remarkably, I’ve stayed clean from any kind of substances and I never imagined I could live without some kind of pharmaceutical crutch, and it’s the most liberating and pride filled feeling of my life. Simply put, Christy helped me recognize my true heart and voice, and what followed was an annihilation of the ghosts that haunted my past. I feel like I’m just beginning my new journey, and I’m endlessly excited about life and my place in it, and most crucially, I have a soft place in my heart for the pain that life brings.

Will, 2023