今天是我的生日，也剛好是中國農曆新年的初九，也剛好是玉皇大帝的生日，我的生日在西洋陽曆上每年都是同一天，2月18日，但是明年的中國農曆年初九，或者玉皇大的生明年是否還是2月18，那肯定是不會是同一天的，為什麼? 這是個很難被簡單回答的大問題，因為在台灣的節日我們使用農曆，是陰陽合曆，是合併太陽曆與太陰曆的一種曆法。太陽曆即陽曆，是以觀測太陽的回歸年為基準所制定的，目前全世界絕大多數國家使用陽曆，而太陰曆即陰曆，則是依月亮運行而得之朔望月所制定的，中國人對生命以及宇宙皆以天體運行為根基，也因此我對生命總是有些敬意。

Today is my birthday, coinciding with the ninth day of the Chinese lunar new year and the birthday of the Jade Emperor. In the Gregorian calendar, my birthday falls on February 18th every year. However, next year, the ninth day of the Chinese lunar new year or the birthday of the Jade Emperor will not fall on February 18th. Why is that? This is a complex question with no simple answer. In Taiwan, we use a Chinese lunar calendar that combines the solar and lunar calendars. The solar calendar is based on the observation of the solar year and is widely used by most countries. On the other hand, the lunar calendar is based on the lunar month, determined by the moon's orbit. Chinese people view celestial movements as the foundation of life and the universe, which is why I hold a certain level of respect for life.

今天我在上瑜珈課前一樣點了燭火，和從西藏帶回的藏香放在門口迎接學生的到來，昨天下了一場2月雪，在短短的3小時裡就把世界變成了白色世界，今天早上的雪退了些，但是冷洌的空氣仍是快速的在我開門把香放在門外一瞬間灌入室內，在當個當下，我突然聞到,也感受到一鼓異常熟悉的感覺和回憶，就是香的味道和冷空氣交支的味道帶我回到我小時候約4歲左右的一個早晨，當時我住在爺爺奶奶奶家，每天早上奶奶起床洗臉後做的第一件事就是點香，先向我們的祖先說早安，清潔在供桌上的敬品和花，然後持香走到戶外的土地上高高的舉起她的手臂對著天空拜，因為她每天都會這麼做，所以我並沒有特別的留意，但是那個早上不同，因為天氣有點冷，而且霧氣特別濃，當她持著香走到戶外時，她的下半身被團團的霧氣所環繞而看不見，只有上半身對著天空感謝上天給我們雨所以我們的農作物可以成長 (我奶奶是個很努力工作的農夫), 然後她持著香對著東西南西方各彎腰拜神感謝牠們的保佑，然後對土地深深的最後一拜感謝土地神讓農作物成長，當時的我站在門邊呆望著我奶奶，不了解為什麼她的腳不見了而感到有點害怕又好奇，也不了解她的喃喃自語裡充滿了感恩，期待和對未知的敬意，但是一個深植我心的畫面，空氣的冷度，神秘的霧氣和在空中的香氣以及早晨的鳥鳴是我童人的記憶，突然之間在我開門的那一剎那回到我心海裡。

Before my yoga class today, I lit a candle and placed some Tibetan incense at the entrance to welcome the students. Yesterday, there was a snowfall in February, and within just three hours, the world turned into a white wonderland. Although the snow has subsided a bit today, the cold air still lingers. As I opened the door and placed the incense outside, the brisk air rushed through the door, triggering a familiar sensation and memory. It took me back to a morning when I was around 4 years old, living in the village with my grandparents.

Every morning, after my grandmother finished cleaning up, the first thing she did was light incense. She would greet our ancestors, clean the offerings and flowers on the altar, and then hold the incense high above her head as she faced the sky outside. Since she did this every day, I didn't pay much attention. However, one particular morning was magical. It was chilling cold, and the mist was thick as cloud made blanket. As she walked outside with the incense in her hands, her lower half was enveloped in a swirl of mist, making her lower body invisible. Only her upper body faced the sky. At that time, I stood at the door, gazing at my grandmother, not understanding why her feet were gone, feeling a little scared yet curious. As she thanked the sky for the rain that allowed our crops to grow (my grandmother was a farmer). She then bowed to the east, west, north, and south, expressing gratitude to the spirit of the land. Finally, she deeply bowed down to Mother Earth, thanking the soil for the growth of the crops.

I was too young to comprehend the gratitude, anticipation that filled in her murmured words. But that image, the coldness of the air, the mysterious mist, and the scent in the air were etched deep in my heart. Suddenly, in that moment of opening the door this morning, they all came flooding back to me on my birthday.

看著我離上課前還有10分鐘，我也點起了我從京都帶回來的沉香，媽媽時常提醒我，要感謝生命讓我們活著，所以我才能celebrate 自己的生日, 還有生日也代表著母親的生命裡最痛苦恐懼的時刻，而我知道她懷著我的那個10月裡也是她身心靈最痛苦的一段，因為我是老三，又是個女生，沒有人期待我的到來，而父親那一邊的家人已經說好要為我找個人家養，每當我想到我的母親，我總是會想她究竟是如何忍受種種的一切，而還是微笑著要我學習原諒，放下，小時候愛笑也愛哭，脾氣也不好，她總是要我不要生氣，要我修改自己的個性，雖然大部份我的生命裡她不在我的身邊，但我總是感受的到她的存在。

Looking at the clock, I noticed that there were still 10 minutes before my student arrived. I lit the incense that I had brought back from Kyoto, and just like my grandmother, I prayed with gratitude. My mother often reminds me to be grateful for being alive, so I have a birthday to celebrate. Birthdays also represent the most painful and fearful moments in my mother's life. I know that the month she carried me was the most painful period for her, both physically and emotionally. As the third child and a girl, no one was expecting or happy about my arrival. On my father's side, they discussed the plan to find another family to raise me. They couldn't afford to have me, that's what they said to my mother while I was still in her belly. Interestingly enough, I was born during the Chinese New Year in 1980, a month filled with the high vibration of fireworks and happiness. However, inside the hospital, my arrival brought uncertainty and sadness to the family. Whenever I think of my mother, I always wonder how she endured everything and still smiled, she is the one teaching me to learn forgiveness and let go. When I was little, I enjoyed having big laughs, long cries, and at times a quick temper. She always advised me not to get angry, change my attitude and no matter what, always be kind. Despite her physical absence for most of my life, I could always sense her presence.

一連忙了幾天，才突然回想到還沒有打電話回家和媽媽報平安說新年快樂，這裡聖路易約早上7:00 多，是台灣時間的晚上9:00, 媽媽應讓還沒睡，所以我趕緊打電話給她，電話那裡傳來媽媽的笑聲，快樂的告訢我第第帶她去看花燈，以及她心理上對於花燈為什麼要辦在山裡和晚上而感到不安，我第第告訢她要晚上才能看到燈啊，她總是很怛然的告訢我她的心情，從來不會故做鎮定或pending 一切都好，我也很喜歡這樣的交流方式，因此我們的心沒有距離。

After a few busy days, I suddenly remembered that I hadn't called home to wish my mom a happy new year. It was already past 7:00 in the morning in St. Louis, which meant it was 9:00 in the evening in Taiwan. I knew my mom would still be awake, so I quickly called her. I could hear her laughter on the other end of the phone. She happily shared with me that my brother had taken her to see the lanterns, but she felt uneasy about them being held in the mountains at night. My brother explained to her that the lanterns can only be seen at night. I appreciate how my mom always honestly expresses her feelings without pretending, and she is always herself. The way of my mother communicating with me help me understand many things, and brings us closer, even when we are far apart.

每次我和媽媽說電話，只要我沒事或她沒睡著，我們可以聊天2-3小時不間斷，這天聊著聊著，她聊到了她的奶奶，也就是我的曾祖母，我曾經問過幾次關於這個我只有在照片裡認識的曾祖母，但是媽媽堅持我見過她，只是我太小忘記了，她告訢我她是個專門幫小孩的 spiritul healer, 我問那是什麼意思，然後媽媽從她是個小女孩的視角告訢我這個出生於1888年名字叫葉子的曾祖母的傳奇。

Whenever I have a phone conversation with my mom, we can chat uninterrupted for 2-3 hours, as long as I'm free or she's not asleep. During one of our chats, my mom brought up her grandmother, who is also my great-grandmother. I've asked my mom a few times about this great-grandmother of mine, whom I only know from some old photos. However, my mom insists that I have actually met her, but I just forgot because I was too young. According to my mom, she was a spiritual healer for children. Intrigued, I asked my mom to explain what that meant. She then proceeded to tell me the legend of Leaf, my great-grandmother, from her perspective as a little girl. Leaf was born in 1888.

曾祖母在她的記憶以來就已經包小腳, 所以她走不快，我的外婆在我媽媽約7歲左右離開她，所以這位曾祖母總是掛念著她的4個孫子們, 而時常不持千里的走路, 慢慢的從她的村莊走到我媽媽小時候的家帶東西給她們吃，在那裡年代沒有什麼零食，曾祖母也沒有什麼錢，她自己有種東西，夏天因為天氣熱，她會帶自己種的西瓜，走在鄉間小路，和不知包多久的小腳，走段大約從聖路易的華盛頓大學到Downtown ST.louis 的路程去看她的孫子們。

My great-grandmother Leaf had bound her feet for no one knows how long, which made it challenging for her to walk swiftly. When my mother’s own mother left her when she was 7, my great-grandmother become the spring of nourishment for my mother. Despite the physical distance, she would often take her slow walk from her village to my mother's childhood home, carrying some food for her 4 grandchildren . Snacks were quite scarce back then, and my great-grandmother didn't have much money, so she grew her own food. Even in the summer, despite the hot weather, she would carry her own watermelon and tread the rural roads with her delicately bound feet. I imagine myself in the similar conditions, and walk from Washington University to Downtown St. Louis, all just to spend time with her four grandchildren. How she did it? I do not know anyone have such boundless love and immense strength like her in my life.

她是村裡有名的Children’s healer, 特別是剛出生的小嬰兒和5歲以下的小孩子，只要他們身體不舒服, 一直哭或者感到莫名的恐懼，大人就會帶他們的孩子去找她, 曾祖母從來不收錢，所以人們會帶米當作感謝，她收到米後將一部份的米放到碗裡，然後上面再蓋上一塊布, 媽媽站在一旁和其他的大人小孩一起，就像我一樣，半知半解的看著自己的奶奶，只見她手持著一支香，朝著東西南北方的方向感謝牠們的保佑，然後希望牠們提供線索和指引幫助這個小孩，結束她的祈求之後，她回到放著米的碗，翻開上面的一層布，媽媽說十分奇怪，她親眼看到有些米會自動站起來，有些會直立不動，有些會站起來後又倒下去，祖母會引導這些父母去觀察這些米，然後用手指指出米的站法，然後問他們：你有沒有看到這個情況? 然後問他們他們的小孩子是不是在哪個地點或方向跌倒的，或者從哪裡方向回來後感到不舒服等等，媽媽說這些人一聽都回答是，然後祖母就會給他們指引如何幫助他們的小孩恢復平靜不再哭鬧，開始吃東西或者退燒等等。這一切聽起來很不可思議，但是告訢我的人是我的母親，是我最了解和信任的人，也讓我明白她為什麼總是要我記得人不可以說自己什麼都知道，都懂，我們嘴裡吃的都是大自然給予我們的，而在天地之間，總是有一些奇妙的人事物，因為不明白，也可能永遠不會明白，但我們可以對一切保持敬畏之心。

She is a well-known healer for children in the village, particularly for newborns and children under 5 years old. Whenever children feel unwell, cry incessantly, or experience unexplained fear, their parents bring them to her. My great-grandma Leaf never accepts money, so people show their gratitude by bringing rice as a token of appreciation. After receiving their rice, she puts a portion of it in a bowl and covers it with a cloth.

My mother said: I remember standing along with other adults and children, watching my grandmother with a mix of feeling and confusion. My mother explained to me that she saw Grandma hold an incense stick and express gratitude to the directions of east, west, south, and north, seeking their blessings and guidance to help the child. After her prayer, she would uncover the cloth on top of the rice bowl.

My mother found it peculiar because she saw some rice grains standing up on their own, some remaining upright, and some standing up and then falling down. Grand grandma Leaf would guide parents to observe these grains, pointing out their positions with her finger and asking, "Did you see this rice standing up, and then falling down in this direction?" She would then read the "rice map" and ask parents if their child fell down or felt uncomfortable in a certain location or direction, or if they felt unwell after returning from a particular place. According to my mother, all the parents would answer "yes" when asked.

Grand grandma Leaf would then provide guidance on how to help their child regain calmness, stop crying, start eating, or reduce fever, and so on. It all sounded like too magical and unbelievable, but the person who told me this is my mother, the person I know and trust the most. It helped me understand why she always reminded me not to claim that I know and understand everything. The food we eat is provided by the Mother earth, and there are always mysterious things, and how things happened as they are we may never fully understand, but we can always maintain a sense of awe towards everything.

今天我很感謝我活的夠久，所以我可以celebrate my birthday, 感謝懷我的那10個月以及接下來的3-5年因為我她也承受了許多身心靈的痛苦和與我不得不的分離，雖然她自己的媽媽也在她很小的時候不得不離開她，但是因為她有個很愛她，也很有療癒靈性的外婆，所以也使得她變的堅強，而我也因為有我保護療癒小孩的曾祖母，努力工作總是要我幫忙下田的農夫奶奶，和我的媽媽，而讓在異鄉多年的我也可以為自己的人生付出，也為我有3位在我生命中堅強的女性而感到知足和幸福。

Today, I am grateful to have reached an age where I can celebrate my birthday. I am aware that not everyone is as fortunate as I am, and there are many people fighting for their lives around the world. I am grateful for the ten months my mother carried me and the subsequent three to five years when she endured physical, emotional, and spiritual pain, and had to be separated from me. Despite her own mother leaving her at a young age, she found resilience through the love and spiritual healing of her grandmother.

I am also grateful for my great-grandmother Leaf, who protected and cared for children as a true healer. I am grateful for my grandmother, who raised me with her hardworking spirit and taught me that nothing in life comes for free. And I am grateful for my own mother, who is going to be 75, still very active, loves to be on her motorcycle, and loves to sing, just like her name Oriole 鶯. Because of these three strong women, I have been able to navigate my life independently in the United States for nearly 17 years.

I feel content and happy, and I am delighted to share my family story with you on this beautiful February day.

Birthday Morning No.44

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